It was around 7 pm, I saw her at the train station while I was waiting for the train. Our eyes collided and found a heart touching moment. After that, I never saw her again but I have been following her by sharing my emotions and ideas with her about of my life and she encouraged me to do so. I feel relief, love and real guardianship from her as I want to be a writer.
My eyes collided with her eyes when she was looking at me but soon she turned back. Her face was enlightened with the lights around. A bright smiley face with pink cheek and lips attacked my heart. Glow on her face without unnatural colours really made natural sense of innocence. Her long hair seemed a bit wet as if she came soon after the shower. The Demarcation between lips showed the horizon of earth and sky. Blue denim trouser and light green hoodie presented her like the sky, green garden a combination of shiny stars and blooming up flowers.
Commuters were waiting for their train, looking around. I was looking at the train time notice board by standing just behind of her. Eyes were collided. She averted her eyes slowly by dragging them out on the floor but left big massage of starving love on her body language. As a human being I could read an appeal of acceptance. I saw thunderstorm sparked on her face.
Meanwhile, my train arrived. She entered but on the other coach. I didn’t know where she was making a journey, but she got off just before me. I didn’t want to overtake her although my pace was a bit faster. I followed her by slowing my steps down. My heart was broken. So I wanted to repair it by seeing her face once again. I constantly tried to see her full face but only could see a half moon. She was aware that I was following her. She went out from the barrier, like me. Before crossing the road she turned her head at me. I saw a full moon shining at in the dark night. Her face illuminated with affections. I gave a cheer smile. We headed on our way for different destination. Since then I have been missing her. But I have been following her as an inspirational moment in the venture of my fiction writing and decided to call her LISA. It is my little mystery, like Mona Lisa is to the world.
Contd…….
REVIEWS
What were the strengths and weaknesses of the character portrayals?
A = The completely romantic nature of the narrator came across. All we know about the target of his sudden obsession is how beautiful he thinks she is! He has instated her as his muse even though he has never met her. I suspect this is the joy of Facebook, the ability to create other people as we would like them to be not as they really are!
B = The imaginations of your mind are clear enough. You tempt the reader that there will be some dialogue may happen – clever.
C = It came across to me as someone pursuing an achievable goal with a beautiful girl used as a cipher for this ambition which inspires the writer to pursue it.
Were there any very clear, or any confusing, elements of the story which related to approaches taught on Start Writing Fiction?
A = I am not sure if the language used was deliberately fractured or was a translation from another language. There was a whole section in the final paragraph which flowed beautifully with well executed sentences.
B = English is not your first language?
C = I think that the writer has used what seems to them as perfection or near perfection as something to strive for. I think it is this search for perfection that inspires them to write so as to attain it but probably never will.
Did the story have a plot, causality and conflict? How did it engage you?
A = I was engaged by the oddness of the language. I didn’t quite understand what a ‘massage of starving love’ except that it meant she was gagging for it! There was no plot unless he was stalking her.
B = I think you gave a fair story of a young man in lust/love with a woman who may not even have considered him to be suitable.
C = Engagement is largely described above. I think that the writer sees writing as the pursuit of a beautiful girl who has been once encountered and inspires the writer to redouble their efforts to attain it.
(FL Start Writing Fiction The Open University, 2014)
INCOMESCO 